43, F…. J….. 4….. 3….. . Tricks you ask? Tricks?  “Meneer”, that Cruiser is so full of tricks it makes a circus dog look like a cafeteria, and it is getting trickier by the day.

 With respect to Police File, and to those old enough to remember Springbok Radio.

Sunday the 2^nd of January 2005, 16:00: There is a Mercedes Benz with a boat trailer pulled up alongside the road, just before the crest of the long concrete section of highway just after passing Pietermaritzburg. The boat trailer is minus one wheel. The driver is in a hopeless and perilous situation, starring down at a wheel that is no longer attached to the axle and that will not rotate anymore. There is nothing that he can do. The boat is marooned. A perilous situation, with cars whizzing past on their way home after the December holidays. The only solution is a low-bed trailer or a new wheel bearing. But where to get any of these.

 Unbeknown to the distressed driver at 16:05 a TRICKY GREEN BRUISER comes along the highway traveling in the same direction. The vehicle is driven by Captain Fix-it. A quick phone call is made to Captain Fix-it’s wife in the other vehicle. She is towing the boat; “I’m pulling over to see if I can help. You drive on home”

 The TRICKY GREEN BRUISER pulls up next to the marooned boat and out jumps Captain Fix-it, into the wet drizzling rain which has been following them since the commencement of their journey home, from Spioenkop Dam.  

 A cursory inspection shows the following; the wheel has come off, of a braked axle trailer and at the speed the boat owner had been driving, the brake baking plate is all stuffed up and bent and worn away. The boat-owner informs that someone had passed them up the hill and shouted: “Hey, check the sparks!” The smaller outer bearing is gone and the cage shattered. Pieces of bearing and bits of brake shoe together with the shattered cage are now lying on the concrete of one of the nations busiest highways, puncturing tyres, but in turn being trampled into minute shards of metal, by the hundreds of cars speeding home. The only piece of what was once a bearing that still remains on the axle is the inner part of the bearing surface – stuck, almost welded to the surface of the axle, due to the heat that has been generated. The situation is precarious, since the vehicle is not far enough off the road to be considered safe.

Captain fix-it alights from the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER. Instructions are given to move the vehicle and trailer further off the road. The water-skier-down-flag is given to the most useless-looking onlooker, who is instructed to stand 100 yards down the road and wave it like mad. Warning triangles are posted and Captain fix-it jumps to work like an oiled machine.

 Instructions are given to remove the wheel from the hub so that the “gemors” inside can be cleaned up. Problem: There is a big screw-on type bearing cap, that needs to be removed and there is no spanner big enough to do it. It is rusted tight like the other things inside the wheel hub. Captain fix-it makes a mental note to in future carry a “bobejaan” spanner. No problem though: The hub is jammed against the spring of the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER and the jack is jacked up against the bearing cap. Voila! The hub is turned off from the stationary bearing cap, revealing a rusted, messy, and greaseless inside hub, with small shrouds of what used to be one of England’s finest - an SKF bearing. This small, often overlooked piece of machined metal is the secret to the ability of the wheel to rotate and to remain stuck to the hub. Without it you go nowhere.

 The inner running surface is knocked out from the hub using the appropriate sized socket, which appears from the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER’s sliding drawer. The stuck piece of bearing on the axle is however a big problem. A brass drift and a reasonable large “moering” tool, together with some “spook piepie” does not move the bearing flange. It has fused to the axle. What now? The only solution is to grind it off. But how does one grind anything off alongside the highway. Where will the power come from? Where does one get a grinder?

 Not a problem to Captain fix-it. The TRICKY GREEN BRUISER’s V8 is fired up and with a flick of the finger, the compressor switch connects the compressor, which starts pumping air into the reservoir tank at the back of the TRICKY GREEN CRUISER. An air hose is connected to the tank and an air-tool grinder is produced from the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER’s side bin. A short while later and the inner of the bearing is ground to fine powder and a smart tap from the “moering” tool finally dislodges the offending piece of scrap metal. The Hub is clear the axle is clear. It is crunch time!

 We break or a short advert from our sponsors.

 Will the trailer ever run again? Does Captain fix-it and his TRICKY GREEN BRUISER carry a spare trailer bearing? Will the spare trailer bearing be the right size? Will the bearing fit over the rusted, damaged axle? Will the hub fit on the tattered and torn backing plate? All these questions will be answered in a moment.

 We break for a short advert from out sponsors.

 Captain fix-it has rummaged in his tool box and produces a spare trailer wheel-bearing. He slowly approaches the axle and hub. First the hub: Yes it fits. Now the axle, YES, YES, YES! It fits! Captain fix-it turns to the mechanically disadvantaged onlookers and announces.” We have a lift off”.

 He proceeds to clean the hub and axle. Greases it up with fresh grease and taps the bearing home. The backing plate is sawn off with a hacksaw and the wheel and hub are fitted to the axle. The outer nut is tightened and a new split-pin is inserted. The wheel is refitted to the hub and the trailer is lowered. It is mobile again!

Captain Fix-it stands back admiring his handiwork. He goes to the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER and takes out a jar of hand-cleaner. He washes his hands with de-greaser and offers the jar to the other assistants. Water miraculously appears from a tap fixed to the rear bumper. The onlookers stand amazed! In awe! Standing back admiring his work, Captain Fix-it announces: “You are mobile Sir”.

 “How can I repay you” asks the previously mechanically disadvantaged boat-owner? Captain fix-it replies: “Sir you can replace my spare bearing, and then, will you please one day stop next to the road and help someone else in distress.”

Careful that his work lasts the journey and in the event of any further assistance that might be required such as further tightening of the bearing Captain Fix-it suggests that the previously hapless, but now very lucky boat owner drive ahead of him to the Engen 1-stop where the bearing will once again be checked. Needless to say checking is unnecessary since Captain Fix-it did it right the first time.

 At 19:30 Captain Fix-it receives a call from the owner. “I have made it home. Thank you!”

 Of all the wheel bearings available, what were the chances that the TRICKY GREEN BRUISER would be carrying the exact bearing? Well pretty remote. Destiny you may ask? Fate?

 Sorry folks, but that is it for tonight. You will have to wait for some future mechanical mishap to occur, to some hapless mechanically disadvantaged person, when once again, Captain Fix-it will jump into action and come to some stranded person’s aid. That will be the next episode.

 Now you ask me Sir DP; ”What tricks can the 43 perform?” Sir I rest my case.

 

Regards Guy

 

"If you don't mind where you are, then you aren't lost

The young DP wondering what happened to the damsel, mutters quietly to himself, shakes his head and leaves the room smiling